I don’t like the way I am feeling now and I just want to put aside the negativity so I can be a happier person.
Why do people like to hurt me? Does it make you happy to see me unhappy? I guess it does, that’s why I’m gonna carry on being happy and see you fail at making me unhappy.
After the torturous half of my USA trip, I came back and worked hard to clear my deadlines, slowly but gradually putting aside the unhappiness from the trip.
Then I focused on getting Ladies’ Night @Kartright #4 together, which I single-handedly handled as all help backed out at literally the last minute. I didn’t have time to collect the Red Bull drinks or give out the sponsored 9tro magazines that were sitting in the back of my car. I didn’t even have anyone to help me take photos. I was torn between multiple duties – arranging of the chairs, setting up the projector and laptop, registration, calling up on latecomers, giving my presentation, clicking the slides for Gerald the coach, discussing the format of the event with the Kartright people and then of course the running of the event itself.
For a moment I felt a pang of loneliness, while I was sorting out the registration forms in the lounge by myself before the first participant arrived. But I told myself I don’t like how that feels so I brushed it aside and just focused on doing what I need to do. I’m sorry to participants and friends of participants of Ladies’ Night @Kartright #4; I will bring back the Red Bull and the 9tro magazines and add more goodies for the next session.
Ladies’ Night @Kartright #4 went well as usual and the 20 ladies were happy. When they are happy I feel happy too, and I like feeling happy. Then the long Easter weekend came and I was busy trying to provide quality time as well as shuttle from Kartright Speedway where Round 1 of the Singapore Karting Championship was held to the Red Bull Speed Street event.
The next big thing was the audition for my kart racing team CTMC2! Racing Angels. 22 ladies signed up enthusiastically and they were all returning participants of Ladies’ Night @Kartright. I wish I could give every one of them there a chance to race, but unfortunately I only have five seats. I can feel the disappointment from some of them but don’t worry, I will continue to promote motorsports, for women especially!
Again I was alone running the show for the audition, but at least I had a very kind photographer Larry who came onboard just the day before and my three judges – Gerald Tan 1, Gerald Tan 2 and Desmond Yip – to run the event with me. Gerald Tan 1 said to me, “You need an assistant, just one person to help you, especially with the administrative and logistics part so you can focus on the main elements of the show.”
I know that, I know that perfectly, and it’s not that I don’t want to hire anyone to assist me. But don’t get me started on the story of my three assistants in five months. In gist, I will remain an OMO (one-man operation) for now and sort out my workload myself.
Issues escalated that night and I won’t go into details here, but it’s just sad when people intentionally make things difficult for you. Sometimes you don’t have to explain everything to everyone, but when jokes get too far and attitudes turn sour, then some level of intervention is necessary.
What broke my heart even more recently is something that I am not proud to talk about, but I’m hoping my sharing of it will garner some support from people who care about me and care to read about it, and also let others who are in similar situations seek solace in this.
I never doubted our friendship or how protective you are/can be for my feelings. I know you never had any ill intentions towards me and would never think of harming me. My decision was in the best of interests for both of us. I chose to silently walk away instead of kicking up a big fuss, so that things will be made easy for you. I don’t want to bring our friendship in and play the “Who is more important?” game or put you in a difficult spot between work and personal, so I don’t ask anything from you or anything of you and simply just pack up and go.
It’s not an attempt on my side to be generous or look like the bigger person. It pains me like hell to walk away but I understand you have your company’s interests at heart and for that I will just chin up and try to hide the tears. I wish you had talked to me before you made your decision, as I requested out of friendship before; I wish I didn’t have to find out by seeing things for myself.
Yes you have your explanations for doing what you do. I’m not questioning or challenging you to your explanations. Back to my five As of communication (Aware-Acknowledge-Agree-Approve-Apply), I am aware of your problems and situation, I acknowledge that the most convenient solution for you is at the expense of my feelings. I may not agree with what you do, hence my act of disapproval lies in the form of me walking away.
I believe our friendship is stronger than this and I’m not gonna let one person ruin what we have built up. I just need time to get over this and stop myself from crying. It truly breaks my heart to walk away from something that means so much to me. Meanwhile, on the work side I will maintain my professionalism and deliver as per normal.
Life is so colourful like this tower of macaroons. You never know what flavour you are gonna bite into; it may turn out bitter, too sweet or comforting to your palates. But whatever happens we still survive, we still live, we still breathe.
These issues aside, there are people around me who see me as a thorn in their flesh, as the bane of their existence. Sometimes I don’t even know what I have done or said wrong to deserve all that dislike. But at the same time, there are even more people around me who appreciate what I do and continually encourage me, giving me that all important boost to keep me going in my passion. To these people, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much that one thoughtful comment from you means to me.
Have a good long weekend one and all…
I just want to smile again and fill my heart with happiness…